You’ve been working towards something, putting in the effort and starting to feel like you’re getting somewhere.
Then you hit a setback.
An injury interrupts your training. Work gets busy, and your routine falls apart. You try something new and struggle more than you expected.
The setback itself can be frustrating. But what you tell yourself afterwards can make it harder to move forward. “I’ve lost some momentum” becomes “I never stick to anything.” “I couldn’t do it today” becomes “I’m just not capable.”
In a recent Raise the Bar episode, former NRL player Sandor Earl described how closely his sense of self once depended on football. When he played well, he felt good about himself. When he played poorly, he felt bad about himself. His performance had become a measure of who he was.
Injuries and a four-year suspension forced him to build a life outside the game. He travelled, started businesses and discovered parts of himself that had little to do with being a footballer.
Your circumstances may look very different, but the question is relatable: when something you care about goes wrong, how do you stop it from changing the way you see yourself?
These four steps can help you understand what happened and find a way forward.
1. Separate what happened from who you are
“I missed two sessions this week” describes a behaviour. “I’m an undisciplined person” turns it into an identity.
Once you’ve attached a fixed label to yourself, it can start shaping what you expect from your next attempt. You might hesitate to commit to a plan because you’ve already decided you’re someone who won’t follow through.
Start by describing the setback specifically. What happened? What got in the way? What could you adjust? “I couldn’t fit my planned sessions around work this week” gives you something to work with.
You might need shorter sessions, different training days or a more realistic plan during busy periods.
This doesn’t mean ignoring your part in what happened. You can acknowledge that you didn’t prepare, overcommitted or avoided something difficult. Being specific helps you identify what needs to change, without making a judgement about your whole character.
2. Look for evidence that challenges the label
If you tell yourself you’re not a consistent person, ask whether that’s true everywhere in your life.
You might be reliable at work, committed to supporting your family or good at keeping plans with friends. Those examples suggest you can follow through, even if training is an area where you’re struggling.
Look at the conditions that help you succeed elsewhere. Do you have a set time, clear expectations or someone relying on you? Could you bring some of that structure into the goal you’re finding difficult?
You can also question words like “always” and “never.” If you’re thinking “I always give up,” look for a time you kept going. If you’re thinking “I never make progress,” consider what you can do now that you couldn’t do when you started.
The aim is to build a more accurate picture of yourself. A setback is part of that picture, alongside the times you’ve learned, adapted and followed through.
3. Notice the progress you’re overlooking
When your attention is on what went wrong, it can be difficult to recognise anything that’s going well. This is especially true when the result you want still feels a long way off.
That’s why it can help to look for evidence of progress in your actions, as well as your results.
Perhaps you asked for help instead of giving up. You returned after a missed week. You tried a new exercise, even though it felt awkward. You adjusted your schedule instead of abandoning your plan.
Those actions show you’re practising skills that can help you keep going: asking questions, making adjustments and returning after a disruption.
At the end of the week, write down one or two things you did that moved you forward. Be specific about the action and why it helped. “I trained on Friday after missing Wednesday” gives you a useful example of getting back on track.
4. Make the next step achievable
After a setback, you might feel pressure to make up for lost time or prove you’re still capable. That can lead you to choose a next step that asks too much, too soon.
Instead, look for a challenge that stretches you while remaining within your current ability.
If you’re working towards a chin-up, for example, an assisted variation can give you a way to practise the movement and build towards the full exercise. If your training schedule keeps falling apart, committing to two sessions you can realistically attend may give you a better starting point than repeatedly planning five.
Be clear about what you’ll do and when. Then use that experience to decide what comes next. Was the step manageable? What did you learn? Do you need more practice or a small progression?
Listen to the Full Episode
Sandor Earl joins Matt and Ariel on Raise the Bar to discuss turning setbacks into opportunities, finding an identity beyond football and earning a second chance at Melbourne Storm. They also explore vulnerability, taking ownership and focusing on the daily actions within your control.
Find it on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and YouTube.
TL;DR
(Too long, didn’t read)
- Describe what happened before deciding what it says about you.
- Question labels like “inconsistent” or “incapable” by looking for exceptions.
- Recognise small wins, especially when progress feels slow.
- Choose a next step that challenges you but is still achievable.
- Ask for support when you’re struggling to see a way forward.
Now, it's your turn.
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